manbeing — Expanding masculinity

After my wife miscarried, I started going for car rides alone to cry. I just needed to let the grief break through. I couldn’t let anyone see me cry, because that would’ve been unmanly.

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I’ve internalized this “no feelings” concept of masculinity so much that my ability to deal with emotions and express them is inhibited - to the point where I require professional help to unlearn some of these habits and behaviors.

I’m straight and cis but I’m still dissatisfied with the expectations placed on me as a man. I feel that my public expression of emotion and sympathy is circumscribed by those expectations; it pains me that I sometimes have to stand up in front of people and pretend not to be upset, pretend not to be on the verge of tears about something, in order to be taken seriously. I feel that it cuts me off from others.

I suffered a blood clot while abroad and ended up in the hospital. I didn’t want to talk to my wife and children on the phone until I was sure I wouldn’t cry. Three days later.

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I regularly suffer from bouts of depression, exacerbated by my ‘man up and get over it’ attitude I’ve got from years of being told that men are strong silent types.

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It was incredibly difficult to talk to people when I was suffering from depression due to some inner feeling that “men don’t get depressed” and “talking about how you feel isn’t allowed as a man.”

I was taught to act in certain traditionally masculine ways, which ultimately made me quite sad and stopped me developing into a more rounded, happier person.

Masculinity has made me almost entirely unable to express emotion in what I would consider a healthy way I can count on one hand the amount of times I've cried as a grown man. In fact, I usually don't talk about my feeling with anyone, unless I have a partner. Then she gets to carry all the load.

I unconsciously gender my language when talking to both genders; being more “feelings oriented” when speaking to women and not sharing with or asking similar questions of my male friends.

When I was a teenager, I tried to be a “real man” in such a way that it was bad for all my relationships – romantic, familial, friends, all of them. I tried to be “right” all the time, to be “strong” all the time, to be infallible. I expended so much energy lashing out because I had been hurt in so many ways and I didn’t know how else to deal with it but to try and control everything I could, because maybe if I could then the world would stop hurting me. Of course, it doesn’t work that way, and no one is infallible – but especially no teenager is. I was lucky – I grew out of this before I hit adulthood. but it happened.

Societal expectation that ‘men don’t talk about feelings’ contributed to my having short-term mental health issues that could have been dealt with much easier by just talking openly, instead of being ashamed of having them in the first place.

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As a male victim of domestic abuse, patriarchy both hindered my seeing this for what it was, seeking help, and how I was seen by others when I revealed this.

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I cant cry or even really express any emotion for that matter. I think that may have driven a few people away.

I live with chronic self-doubt, mental health issues, and a persistent voice that tells me I’m not a proper man unless I am an island of self-sufficiency. I pretty much am that now, and I’m still waiting for a school bully to show up and ridicule me to the world. I don’t expect that voice to go away until everyone older than me is dead.

Years of watching porn as a clueless school kid made me terrified of sex. I thought I'm not big enough, that I wouldn't last long enough. I was afraid I would get into an intimate situation and then be ridiculed not performing, so I stayed clear of intimate situations. I never spoke with anyone about it, because it was so embarrassing. When I was still underage, I went to a doctor and without asking too much, he gave me anaesthetic gel, which validated for me that I had a problem. Only years later I realized that sex isn’t just about penetration or duration, and that most men don’t even last longer than I do, but I still say "sorry" when I come.

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I was sexually assaulted, and had others tell me it couldn't have happened, because I’m a man.

I never, in any of my public school years, had a lesson saying you needed to wait for verbal consent before touching a woman. I saw the quarterback of the football team slap girls on the butt, I saw guys reach around and grab girls' boobs as a prank, I saw mistletoe hung over doorways and was told if you and a girl stood under it, she had to kiss you. I never did any of those things. Not because I thought they were wrong, but because I was too nervous. And I fucking hated myself for it. I felt so much shame at the time for not being a "real man".

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When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I would constantly cheat on my partners (all of whom were female) out of a belief that I couldn’t help it; that men were more sexually-charged than women and were only following their biology. It also led me to be uncomprehending in the face of my partners’ anger at my infidelity, and my expectation that no matter what I did, I deserve forgiveness. I assumed men were the centre of the relationship and women were their sidekicks.

When I first met who was to become my first girlfriend, we went out to a comedy show and got fairly drunk. When we went back to my place, we lay on the bed and at some point started making out and ended up having sex. That was how I saw it then, at least. Around a year later, we were hanging out with some friends, talking about “gray rape.” I said something like “I can't understand how rape could be grey”, and she turned to me and said “you know, on our first date, I was basically passed out and woke up with your fingers inside me.” I couldn't believe I was capable of something like that. I even reacted angrily for not having been told before. Only much later did I understand.

I'm afraid of gay men, and I never let them get too close. I feel emasculated, almost personally insulted, when men hit on me.

Not losing my virginity until I was 24 made me feel like a loser for years. When I finally did, I was pressured to catch up. I wanted to sleep with older women who would teach me how to have sex, and got into relationships that were harmful for me and for them.

Even though I act and talk like a very liberal, open-minded person, I'm still really scared to experiment with my sexual orientation. I'm just horrified of finding out that I'm also attracted to men.

I think stereotypical masculinity has caused expectations of sexual prowess or desire on me that I don’t necessarily want to fulfill. I think this pressure is what led me to viewing porn habitually, which led to an unhealthy view of relationships, and to a disconnect with my own sexuality and physicality.

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I've limited my ‘value’ to how far I can approximate limited version of masculinity: insisted I never cry or need a cuddle; created artificial distances between me and other men; policed my connections to women and insisted I interpret those connections in terms of sexual availability or exploitation; policed my gender expression and circulated/normalised damaging homophobia and transphobia.

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I think that there is a feeling that you are not a man until you have had a string of meaningless one night stands. As a result I have a lot of regrets about my early relationships due to behaving like a git.

I find it hard to talk about, but a number of women in my life have been hurt and affected by my words and actions, as a result of me being influenced by masculine stereotypical thinking. Admitting stuff like this is very hard to do, though, and something I think a lot of men shy away from far too easily, due to the labels that will get attributed to you (rapist.) I haven’t forced a woman to have sex with me, no. I may have (okay, definitely have) touched a women though without consent to do so. When I was younger, I was influenced by movies such as American Pie or The 40 Year Old Virgin, making sex sort of a holy grail and the concept of it so twisted, like men should conquery women.

So many films and tv shows push a toxic idea of masculinity, one that forgoes consent, as being an ideal to aim for in attracting women and that to capture a woman is an ultimate goal to strive for. I see it in so many other people and I really wish I could switch it off in them. I don’t think it’s acceptable behaviour and I feel ashamed to have been part of it.

I have treated women I have been in relationships with fairly appallingly in the past, because of feelings of entitlement that I think patriarchy imbues all men with. I've pressured them into sexual acts they might not have been comfortable with, and I was generally manipulative when it came to relationships.

In my younger years I felt entitled to women in a way that I now see is grossly wrong. I’ve essentially sexually assaulted girls in the past (grinding/groping in clubs and gigs) thanks to a cultural sense of entitlement. It’s fucked up and I feel deeply ashamed. I’ll also admit to having to actively combat the sexism that’s been instilled in me. I still sometimes have to actively stop myself from dismissing a woman’s opinion because I happen to think she’s physically attractive, for example.

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I’ve called girls sluts for rejecting me and sleeping with other men.

I think the biggest thing that sabotaged my first relationship was my lack of communication. It made it difficult to process my emotions even within my own self. I was so practiced at pushing things down, that I’d lost touch with the reality of my own emotions, so even when my girlfriend could identify a problematic situation, I would deny it. “In addition to being the only person who had to work through your difficult issues, I first had to get you to acknowledge that they were issues in the first place.”

Having no real intimate relationships with my male friends, I only managed to get to a stage where I was comfortable talking about my mental health with my first girlfriend. But at that point, we were also having a lot of problems that I couldn’t discuss with her, and didn’t have other close friends to discuss our relationship with, like she did. In fact, the fact that she did this made me feel quite uneasy. I was lucky, because even though it destroyed the relationship, it helped me address some my of my major flaws and grow on an emotional level, but not every man can rely on a partner who can do this, because if nothing else, it’s massively unfair on women.

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I’ve hurt women with dodgy sexual practices. Possibly sexual assault? General shittyness.

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When an ex told me she had been sexually assaulted the first thing I did was question how her actions contributed to it — so, gaslighting, rape apologism. I have since seen the magnitude of this and I know it’s because of how I was conditioned to respond, but the damage was still done, and I 100% appreciate her desire to keep me in her past. Thinking about how my first concern in that moment was whether she had cheated and not to offer a hug and say “It’s gonna be ok” and “I believe you” is very painful and a life lesson.

Growing up, before being more aware of gender issues I held stereotypes to do with gender. I belittled feminism and I made fun of other males with stereotypically female qualities.

When I first started going out with women I was, in retrospect, overly pushy and needy. A nightmare, which meant that no relationship lasted for very long and I was generally regarded to be a colossal pain in the arse at best, even pursuing women I had a crush on past the point where it should have been obvious they weren’t interested. I was aware enough to know that women did often feel very uncomfortable and threatened by men in those situations, but not self-aware enough to realise I was also doing it. I thought I was just being “nice”.

At that time, sex education was fine in schools, but advice for men and women on relationships and communication in general was utterly non-existent (probably still is). I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, and I inwardly cringe now (as well as wanting to apologise for my behaviour to women who would probably dread getting a random email from me, and rightly so).

If I have any excuse at all, it’s probably that I grew up seeing the parallel opposite approach – men *aggressively* pursuing women – and in my mind I justified the weird, needy approach as being the acceptable alternative, when really it was just a different shade of the same persistent nonsense.

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In my own personal thoughts I tend to viewing women as sexual objects. I assess every woman that I see as a sexual partner despite being acutely aware that this is not only stupid but deeply misogynistic. This causes me to have anxiety while speaking to women who I do find attractive that I don’t know in some personal way. I try not to treat women any differently based on this attraction.

I find myself talking over women. And I find myself judging women on what they’re wearing in a way that I wouldn’t do if they were male.

I sometimes notice myself talking over women in conversations, or not paying them enough attention in a group dynamic where they’re the only woman present. It’s not a conscious thing, it may be partly influenced by the atmosphere around me, and I’m happy to be pulled up on it. In fact, I think men should be pulled up on this when it occurs. If you want to improve, you shouldn’t be afraid to be told when you’re failing.

I have expected women to be sexually available to be in return for me doing certain things for them.

I considered that women needed my help, by default. In relationships I also took the helper role, which was condescending and annoying. I also wasn't really empathising, but just trying to solve problems.

I feel bad walking home behind a woman at night or sitting next to women on public transit because I can feel their unease with me. I’m a big overbearing dude and I look intimidating. I’m completely harmless but because of what other men do, I can’t feel normal around women and they can’t feel safe around me.

I used to shout at women, asking for their numbers while driving by them on the street. I thought it was funny, but I know that made them feel uncomfortable and it was a shit thing to do.

I have subconsciously seen traits in men as positive and the same traits in women as negative (for example, “decisive/bossy” as opposed to “bitchy”.)

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As a teen I used and hurt a lot of girls sexually and emotionally to try and compensate for insecurities about my own masculinity, driven by impossible standards of what being a man is about. In high school and college I looked down on women who didn’t fit into the gender roles that I believed they should.

I was also kind of an asshole to others in ways I didn’t realize at the time. I objectified women (friends, acquaintances, strangers) in numerous ways that I didn’t fully understand at the time. I have hurt men as well, similarly to how I was hurt. Mostly it was through judgement and insensitive joking.

I have some pretty bad insecurities in my relationship. This causes me to influence how my girlfriend dresses because I worry about how other men will perceive her, much in the same way that I do to other women. It has caused some strain to our relationship in the past.

Growing up I was exposed to both masculine and feminine influences and found both to applicable to my life. Enacting these influences lead to school bullying as I was not acting in a way expected of my sex. In my adult life I still try and combine both masculine and feminine aspects together, both internally for my own life and externally in the way that I try not to apply gendered roles or expectations on to other people. As a bisexual male I also experience and are sometimes included in a perception that queer men (taken to mean gay/bisexual/trans/genderfluid/asexual) are somehow not “real men” due to their attitudes and language not matching that of their gender role.

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As a gay person I find myself constantly checking my behaviours in public in case they’re not seen as masculine enough.

As a gay man, I am viewed as less than a straight man. This ranges from informal homophobia (name calling etc) to institutionalised homophobia (inability to marry). This is due to being regarded as feminine by the patriarchy, as I have sex with men. As to be a woman is less than a straight man, so it is to be gay under a patriarchal view. I’m also constantly thinking about what is expected of me as a man, and find myself battling it often, even internally. I've really internalized homophobia. I always compare myself to straight men.

I was harassed persistently by a few people in high school for “being gay” or being “too feminine”. In elementary school, I was mocked and abused for wearing pink.

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I’ve been called gay or homosexual because I chose to do ballet.

As a kid I was rather girly. I couldn't catch a ball for the life of me, I was really terrible at football, and all the boys' games were too aggressive. I liked singing and dancing. I would hop on my grandparents' bed and put on shows for them. I loved drawing, and we made some abstract sculptures that are still taking up space in my parents' basement. My parents say I was very talkative, I would strike up conversations with random people on the street. At school I wasn't a such popular kid, but I didn't care so much. I had a few good friends, away from everyone, and we were doing our own thing. My best friend was a girl who lived in my building. After school we'd go to each other's houses, and play with dolls or video games.

Then around fifth grade, things started changing. This guy - he was one of the cool guys - he made me his target. He just wouldn't leave me alone. He would pull down my pants or stretch his leg out to trip me, or take something of mine - every day there was something. His friends realized I was an easy target, so they joined in, too. At first I tried to ignore it, but that just made them more motivated. And trying to fight back - well, they were just stronger than me. This went on for around half a year, and my life became sort of unbearable. I would come home depressed and not eat and not talk to anyone. I couldn't cry, because that would make me look even weaker.

I remember the breaking point: I was late for class one day, wanted to sit down, and this guy pushed my chair away. I fell down and the whole class laughed. My back hurt, but the humiliation hurt much more. I knew that something had to change, so I devised a plan: I would reprogram myself. I ditched my friends and the stuff I was into. I started practicing sports. And I started picking on a weak boy - that really convinced them, I think. It really worked. Within months I was one of the popular boys.

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To be a man is to be tough, aggressive, competetive, argumentative, domineering and such like. If, as a man, you do not meet these criteria then you become a target. You get bullied, as I was at school. You get laughed at, teased, tormented all for not wanting to meet with this ideal (or simply just not living up to, because it’s not in your nature to). It’s wasn’t just at school, this stuff still affects me now at 29 years old. I’m supposed to just “man up” and be a tough guy and take it. Well, fuck off, voice in my head saying that, images in media saying that, people every day implying that. Fuck off. I’m not a tough guy, I never will be. Stop fucking bullying me.

Growing up, it was very clear to me that stereotypical male behaviour wasn’t something that I could align myself with easily. As a boy growing up it was clear that competitive one-upmanship and aggression weren’t traits I could easily relate to, and at the age of 10 a significant number of the other children in school decided I must be gay. Interestingly, I’m not, but that rumour persisted until my mid-twenties back in my hometown (I’m actually married to a woman now). So I managed to get myself beaten up quite a few times and on the received end of abuse for being something I actually wasn’t, which as an adult when I’d finally got to grips with the idea of what homosexuality even *was* felt more absurd than hurtful, like someone screaming at you for having a beard when you’ve just shaved that morning.

I did stupid/hurtful/dangerous things in an effort to impress some others with how masculine I was.

I remember as a young teen I’d regularly seek ways to assert myself as the top male at school and a lot of the time this involved bullying smaller, weaker “more feminine” guys to establish myself.

I was bullied and excluded at school because I didn’t play football and had quite a few female friends. They called me ‘gay’ as if it were an insult, (I suppose it was to them) even though I wasn’t in fact, gay.

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When the same people who bullied me rounded on someone else, I would sometimes join in. As low down on the social hierarchy as I was, at least there was someone “girlier”, “gayer”, “weaker” than I was.

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In groups of men engaged in misogynistic conversation, I have sometimes joined in with this language, hurting or insulting people in the purpose of finding acceptance within the group.

In January I opened up about being the victim of a hate crime. My groin was trampled because I’m gay. Afterwards people told me to stop whining like a bitch. That I should have manned up and just punched the other guy like a real man.

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I’ve always had “faggot” yelled at me from moving cars. Patriarchy caused me to ignore even the possibility that I was not really a boy, and that I was maybe attracted to boys, for thirty years. Patriarchy made me accept for my whole life that I was the weird one. Patriarchy rewarded everyone who enforced all of this, parents, lovers, employers, civil servants, and strangers who shout “faggot” out of car windows.

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When my son was six he made me a beautiful beaded bracelet. I wore it to work the following day (where my coworkers were 99% men). I was asked if I was transitioning into a woman.

I realized my queerness as a child only within the context of fear and suspicion – hide or die!

Traditional notions of masculinity, and the homophobia that it comes with, make coming to terms with my bisexuality incredibly difficult. I still haven’t completely. Very few people outside of a close circle of friends know that I am. I still feel like I couldn’t have a “proper” relationship with another man. Generally I feel a pressure to succeed by their yardstick of what a man is. Whilst quite a “manly” man myself I still find myself saying and doing things that play up to that in order to avoid drawing negative attention to myself.

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I have been beaten up and disowned by my family for wearing skirts.

Until coming to terms with my bisexuality aged 17, I had behaviours which were extremely homophobic; I would refuse to listen to gay musicians, and accuse others of being gay as a way to deflect attention from my own sexuality. The expectation of men as heterosexual and “bloke-ish” meant there was no easy way for me to address my non-heterosexuality, and I just took it out on other people.

I participated in hazing people who didn't measure up to masculine standards on my sports teams.

I was teased when I did stuff like say something was cute, or cooked dinner, or did dishes, or cleaned up the kitchen/house, even though those are perfectly gender neutral, human things to do.

As a reformed shitlord, I was guilty of making private sexist/homophobic/racist jokes with friends promulgating harmful stereotypes.

I’ve been bullied and harassed from a young age for doing “feminine” things like trying on dresses, wearing make-up. Even “sitting like a girl” is seen as weird and unmanly. What’s up with that?

I do not feel free to be myself when that is not what is expected of a man. I am a naturally timid and shy person, and I feel that I am often expected to be otherwise.

No matter how hard I try to avoid it I’ll still accidentally say half the words in a business meeting with three other women, and talk about golf and beer with my interview panel to get points with the boys’ club.

I have taken jobs that I wasn’t really qualified for, had expectations of women that were unfounded and expected preferential treatment, all based on the over-confidence conferred by being a man in a patriarchal society.

I am pretty sure that I am listened to more in meetings with a range of people than female co-workers, for no reason. I have consistently been paid more than women with equal qualifications.

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I've used my influence to get ahead of women in the workplace.

I feel guilty and inferior for being happy not to be in leadership positions even though the world would be a madder place if just populated by leaders.

I’ve formed social bonds with other men through ‘masculine activities’ which have subsequently been beneficial socially and professionally.

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My unwillingness/inability to reach for the brass ring or “perform” masculinity usually casts me as juvenile (socially) or unreliable (professionally), when I don’t think either are accurate. Not conforming as a male is seen either as traitorous or naive by other males.

I know that as a man (and a straight, white man at that) the deck is stacked hugely in my favour. It makes any failure very depressing because the world is arranged to be advantageous to my kind, meaning that any failure in anything means that I am totally useless. Losing a card game when you know the deck is stacked in your favour can be depressing. (N.B. while this is a bit like whining about a minor cut when people around me are dying, I do think the mental health implications of what I have said are genuine and not trivial) I also think that as a younger man I will have been affected by trying to live up to a ridiculous ideal or role that my gender says I’m supposed to play. It takes a while to free oneself from those expectations, if one ever truly can.

There were times I chose to hire a male candidate instead of a more adequate female one, because I was thinking of her getting pregnant.

It upsets me that the fact of life is that I am the one that has to pursue a career at the expense of my wife because otherwise we would not have a decent standard of living.

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I’ve never failed an interview, because I’m a charming & intelligent cis white man who overflows with energy & potential, even though I know full well that I’m as reliable as a paper boat and there were better suited women vying for the role.

I don’t join in with the sexist “banter” which most men in charge engage in behind closed doors, and as a result I think I’ve probably not progressed as far in my career despite being more able than some. I appreciate that this is nothing compared with the glass (toughened glass, akin to concrete) ceiling that many women encounter in their careers, but I think it’s important to note that these boys’ clubs only benefit their members, others have to join in or they are left out in the cold.

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I know I make much more than my equally-qualified female colleague, and I'd never say a word to her about it.

This stupid stereotype created an environment where the expectation of being a breadwinner is huge; even with a wife who doesn’t want that from me, I find myself trying to live to that ideal.

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Both my mom and my dad worked really hard and were not around most of the time, but when they were, my mom was there to empathize, talk to me and help me with my problems, and my dad was forced to be the bad guy, doing the grunt work my mom didn’t want to. I think some of my hate for men comes from there.

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My dad didn't teach me how to build things, or how to make money. Instead he taught me how to be a person. I resented him for it until the day he died.

I was partly brought up on a council estate in Essex, and in particular, I find that an almost exaggerated representation of maleness is woven right into the expectations of the male working class. If you’re from that background, you’re expected to demonstrate it through bullishness, and if you don’t that’s almost seen as a betrayal of those values. It’s often assumed you’re from a privileged background in some way and might have been blown off-course. Digging deeper than that, I suspect a lot of my friends might have failed in education because they didn’t want to be seen as wet, bookish or middle class. So those class-based ideas of maleness are incredibly damaging and counter-productive in a way that seldom seems to be discussed. I got past that and rebelled (or stayed true to myself, however you want to perceive it) but large numbers of people don’t. The statistics around the performance of working class boys in school are horrifying, and it angers me. It’s utterly self-defeating.

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My dad showed me that men are strong by beating me up.

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My father believed men shouldn’t express vulnerability, so he wouldn’t give me a ride home when I tweaked my knee. The 40-minute walk home took three hours, and my knee hurt for about six months.

As a child I went to an all boys grammar school, which, although it did provide a good education, couldn’t help but be a hothouse of chauvinism and homophobia. Growing up and trying to fit in meant acting like an areshole, until I realised that it didn’t need to be that way. I’ve been much happier ever since.

I was taught to act in certain traditionally masculine ways, which ultimately made me quite sad and stopped me developing into a more rounded, happier person.

Neither my father nor I fit the “real man” stereotype (we’re both highly sensitive and not very warrior like.) As a result, I had an implicit lack of esteem for my father. Consequences of being emotional, subtle, sensitive, kind as a man = you become an outcast with low self esteem, even for your own son.

My mother’s first husband used to beat her around, which damaged her psychologically and must have had an effect on both my upbringing and the upbringing of my brothers and sister.

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Up to the first years of primary school, my best friend was a girl. Then we started being called a couple and ridiculed to the extent that we just stopped being friends.

Gender roles around children bother me greatly. I want to be a stay at home dad and I want to play with my nephew in the park and not receive unpleasant looks from mothers thinking I am a paedophile. I want my future sons and daughters to express themselves freely without being criticised expressing themselves in ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ ways. Freeing women from the expectation of being the primary child carer will vastly help in both social and work related issues (for example the pay gap seems somewhat to be in part related to taking years out from work).

My dad has fairly traditional views when it comes to the way a household works: He goes out and brings in the money, and my mum does all the work in the house. This has often led to my mum being under huge amounts of stress and my dad getting annoyed with her for not doing things or struggling to do things while he himself does very little. This led to a shitty atmosphere around the house while I was growing up, and has made my relationship with my dad very strained.

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There is a widespread expectation that men are incompetent in the domestic sphere, and particularly that fathers are not as competent as mothers, and I’m always seen as a ‘secondary’ or ‘substitute’ parent. I'd like to be able to take an active role in parenthood with society’s acceptance.

My grandfather himself was a stern, strict, gruff patriarch, and my own father inherited this understanding of what a father should be. He bullied his own children, would see red if challenged in the smallest way and, as a result, was unable to fulfil the role a father should, of validating his children and their efforts, of allowing challenge to his authority while providing guidance and stability. Those things are pretty crucial, and their absence in our upbringing has left us, his children, with psychological and emotional difficulties we’re still grappling with far into adulthood. I’ve certainly inherited some of my father’s quick temper and tendency to be outraged.

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All my friends got their driver’s license around the same time, in high school. On Saturdays we would go to the beach, and the person who was driving would pull stunts like not breaking before a turn and then handbraking, or driving really fast in a narrow two-way road. When it was more than one car, we would honk at each other, get really dangerously close or sometimes even play chicken in a parking lot. I had a friend who was so proud of his ability to get to 150km/h even in the shortest drives.
I thought all of this was extremely stupid, but I have to admit I drove very dangerously, too. I think we started finding it a bit less exciting when a friend’s motorcycle got hit by a car. He didn’t make it.

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I think what turned me on to alcohol was the possibility to do things that weren't allowed without it, like hugging my friend and telling him I loved him, or talking about things that were bothering me, like depression.

I've always been a smaller fella. Growing up, I was self-conscious of it and felt pretty insecure. My small statute definitely caused a feeling of inferiority. I felt, "What a better way to prove my manhood than by joining the toughest branch of the military? That'll get me respect." I left for boot camp three days after graduation.

Before transitioning, I joined the army in a desperate attempt to "fix myself" and to become more masculine. I was struggling with my gender identity, and I compensated with hyper-masculinity. While in service, I did all the boy stuff - I went out drinking, I went to the gym every night. I ended up being about 86 kilos of muscle. I was a big boy. In a sense, it worked. It was an effective mask, and the tour distracted me enough. When I returned to the UK it all came flooding back and I started hating what I was seeing in the mirror - absolutely despising myself.

I love drugs so much because they allow me to be the flamboyant, touchy-feely person that I'm otherwise never allowed to be.

I'm ashamed of my emotions, of feeling lonely and sad, so I bottle things up until they explode in fits of self-harm and binge drinking. I just drink until I can forget myself.

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